Fall Love

I took G.I. Joe on a date this weekend, because the weather has been yuck and I've been sick and he has been working a lot and the dogs have been driving us crazy and the house was messy and I was getting a pimple and... well, we wanted to go on a date.

We went to a farm for a fall festival. Farm for a fall festival. Farm for a fall festival. Unfortunately for you, I'm not tongue tied enough to stop talking. The plan was to pick pumpkins and enjoy the weather. However, that is not what happened.

G.I. Joe found a baby cow.

And we almost ended up stealing her as a pet.

There were kittens! 

Now we have to get a kitten, obviously. Because they are cute, and I have no self control.

G.I. Joe also found some baby pigs.

They make the same noises that the Nugget makes when he is excited, which is just embarrassing. More for me than for him, because that means my dog has an identity crisis and he just doesn't care.

He also bonded with goats. Who bonds with goats? G.I. Joe, apparently.

My goat was obviously better.

There was also a corn maze. It was TORTURE. Why would people pay money for this? I thought I was going to have panic attack.

It's like being swallowed up by the Jolly Green Giant. I almost plucked the corn off the stalks for sustenance, because we could have died in there. Seriously.

Oh, and there was a pumpkin cannon.

We are having one installed on top of our truck. It's all to get into the spirit of the season.

Hot Cocoa Sugar Cookies

Fall has come to Washington. The mornings are unbelievably cold, and the days are disgustingly perfect. You know those afternoons where it's sunny and breezy, with a little chill? It's just enough to make you want to put on a sweater and go wander around, savoring the last month that you can go outside without getting frostbite.

I took the terrorists out for a walk yesterday, when the weather was just like that. In hopes of finding the last blackberries of the season, we decided to go to our little hidden blackberry patch. When we got there, I tried to pick blackberries but didn't find any good ones. I collapse on the ground in tears and wailed to the heavens.

Just kidding. I picked as many as I could, and then wandered around. In the meantime, the dogs were off doing their thing. I let them off the leash, and they take off running, disappearing into the brush. Don't worry, we have never lost a dog. It's very hard to ignore the thunderous noise and trail of destroyed underbrush.

I stumbled across some more of that fresh mint, which is still alive and well.


These are some of my favorite days to bake, besides freezing cold winter days. I rifled through my drawers (not the undergarment kind, either), and didn't find any chocolate chips, and I once again collapse on the ground in tears and wailed to the heavens.

For real. Shortly after, I recovered, recollected my shreds of dignity, and decided to bake anyway. Here's what was the inspiration to today's carb debacle.

I found this sitting in the snack cabinet. I don't know where it's from, or how long it's been there, all I know is that it hasn't been used and is therefore mine. In my world, if I touched it, it is mine.

I think I'll bake something with some butter. But just a little.

Oh geez. That is not two sticks of butter.

Things are going downhill very quickly. Let me fix it real quick.

That didn't help at all. I give up. Maybe I should just put it in a bowl and see what happens.

I just love it when I throw in the towel. Along with a couple of eggs.

And then stir up said towel.

It's hard to take good pictures when you're smacking yourself with a wooden spoon. It gets easier from here. Just add the flour to make things better.

This part is optional, but I love vanilla and add it to everything I can. Things sometimes get a little out of control. I imagine that if I were ever hospitalized for a long period of time, I would request vanilla extract in my IV.

And boring old baking powder, which is really not all that boring because it makes my nom-noms even more nom-nom-ier. But still... not that exciting.

Now stir and stir until your arm feels like falling off and you want to die and your dough looks something like this.

Put the bowl in the fridge, along with a couple cookie sheets. Pace your kitchen floor and writhe in agony for about ten minutes, until the dough has chilled.

Now you can scoop out little balls of dough. I used a teaspoon, and just heaped it on.

Incidentally, did you notice my pretty pink nail polish? It makes me feel like a ballerina. Never mind the weird purple fingers. It's something in the air.

Form the dough into a little ball, and plop it into the bowl of hot cocoa mix.

Roll it around gently to coat. Take your time. Cuddle. Giggle. Allow yourself to enjoy the cocoa love.

Ahem... sorry.

Once you get your bearings again, place the coated dough on a parchment lined cookie sheet. Line them up about two inches apart.

I want to rest in their shade. BUT. They must be baked.

Preheat the oven, put the cookie sheets in. Cook for five minutes.

DON'T EAT THEM. Yet. Just rotate the pans, and bake for five more minutes. Don't panic, I promise it will be worth your time.

Oh, dear. Well, this is no good. And by no good, I mean completely and utterly delicious. The next few minutes of my life are going to be a big sugary nothing as I slip into a happy coma.

These won't even make it a day. And it will be my fault. They taste so amazing. And chewy. And soft. And sweet. Like they are injected with magic.

Good thing there are a lot.

Hot Cocoa Sugar Cookies

Ingredients

    -1 cup (2 sticks) of unsalted butter, softened

    -2 3/4 cups of all-purpose flour

    -1 1/2 cup of sugar

    -2 large eggs

    -Splash of vanilla extract

    -2 1/2 tsp of baking powder

    -3 tbsp of hot chocolate powder

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. In a large mixing bowl, combine the butter, sugar, vanilla and eggs. Blend until smooth.
2. Add the flour and baking powder, and mix until a sticky dough forms. Refrigerate dough for 10 minutes, along with two baking sheets. Place the hot chocolate powder in a small bowl.
3. Remove from refrigerator. Line the baking sheets with parchment paper, and set aside. Using a teaspoon, scoop a 1 inch round of dough from the bowl. Form into a sphere with your hands. Dip in the hot chocolate mix, rolling around to coat.
4. Line up dough on the baking sheet, about two inches apart. Place both cookie sheets in the oven, one in the middle and one in the upper third. Allow to bake for 5 minutes.
5. After five minutes, switch the cookie sheets. Bake for 5 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to cool for several minutes. Transfer to cooling racks to cool completely. Can be stored in airtight container for three days.

Because breakfast is always good

I have a confession- I love breakfast. Like I would sell my left hand for a really delicious plate of Eggs Benedict, because I love breakfast so much. And while I can't poach eggs to save my life, I could happily eat other breakfast options all day long.

Thankfully, G.I. Joe also loves breakfast. In fact, we find it very reasonable to buy a five dozen crate of eggs for two people, especially because we know they will all be eaten in a week. There is something very wrong with that.

The one unfortunate part of breakfast is that you have to cook it right after you wake up. I have gotten to the point where I don't actually remember how I make breakfast in the mornings; I just end up with a plate full of greasy deliciousness.

But on the days that I do feel motivated to broaden my horizons, the results are usually tots amaze. Sorry about the use of that phrase. I have been watching too much Project Runway.

This was one of those days. And I made scones. They were wonderful. Observe.

Om nom nom. I realize these pictures aren't beautiful, but frankly, these are scones. With chocolate. What more do you want from me?

As recipes go, this one is pretty basic. The key is being awesome. That's really about it. Start with flour, cinnamon, baking powder, and sugar.

Cut up some butter and throw it in the bowl.

Maybe a little bit more.

I am a crusader for health. You're very welcome.

Just so you know, as I'm writing this, I'm getting farted on by a sleeping puppy. And yet I'm still forging on, so that I might provide you with carb-joy.

Get out your trusty pastry cutter, and mash it all together until you get a coarse meal texture.

These pictures are really terrible, but at least you can see the little bits of butter poking out. It's like they're saying hi. Hi, butter!

There is something wrong with my ability to take pictures. I'm sorry to subject you to this, but I feel like pictures make everything better. Except my pictures, apparently.

Let's make ourselves feel better with another terrible pictures. Thankfully, this next one has chocolate in it.

Yeah. Just pour it all in, and stir it up.

Now it's time to bring out the heavy arsenal. Very heavy. Heavy on my belly. And thighs. And booty.

Pour some heavy cream into a bowl, add one egg, and a splash of vanilla. I discovered the joy of real vanilla extract fairly recently, and it is delightful. G.I. Joe bought me my first bottle. It was a good day.

That, my loves, is a glass bottle, as well as pure class. I'm moving up in the world.

Blend all of that up, and pour it into the dry ingredients. Blend it all up until it looks like the type of dough you would just throw away on any other occasion.

It doesn't look amazing. No matter, you will not be disappointed.

Turn the dough onto a floured surface, and use your hands to pat it out flat. This would be the time to pick your weapon, if there are other people in the house. I personally use a large wooden spoon. The "thwack" noise it makes when you hit somebody with it is so satisfying.

This would be a nice oval shape, except for that huge chunk missing up on the left. The spoon never made contact with G.I. Joe when he stole that piece. Frankly, I'm surprised any of this dough made contact with the oven.

Now we get to make the topping. This is another very healthy addition. Take a little bit of heavy cream, cinnamon, and sugar, and mix it all up. I made my topping a little more liquid than it should be, mostly because I wanted to sop up the rest with my fingers. I know, I'm a bad role model. This is what mine looked like, if you have any common sense, yours will be nice and crumbly.

Those are some good looking calories.

Sprinkle this little delight over your flattened dough. Use as much as you like. A lot is best. Remember, more is more.

Cut out wedges from the coated dough. I have this handy-dandy plastic pizza cutter do-dad that has served me well. It was a much better give-away than a Frisbee.

I really am embarrassed by how bad those wedges are. But I feel like the fact that I was fighting an epic hungry Army man battle should justify my poor cutting skills. Deal with it.

Once you cut up the dough, put it on a baking sheet. It's almost time for lift-off.

Those are awfully pretty, I say to myself. Meanwhile, you're thinking, "Those are terrible. That vanilla extract must have really gotten to her."

Bake your hopefully prettier than mine wedges in the oven. Let them cool on a wire rack. Or don't. Mine didn't make it to the cooling stage.

These were so delicious. I took them with me when G.I. Joe and I went on romantic outing. Romantic outing being we stood in the dirt and shot old speakers. He's mushy like that.

Like my little mask in the background? I decorated it myself with a Sharpie.

You should make these. Seriously. And not just for breakfast.

Although breakfast is good.

Chocolate Chip Cinnamon Scones

Ingredients
     -3 cups of all-purpose flour
     -1/3 cup of sugar
     -5 teaspoons of baking powder
     -1 teaspoon of cinnamon
     -1 cup (2 sticks) of unsalted butter, cut up
     -3/4 cups of heavy cream
     -1 large egg
     -1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
     -1 cup of chocolate chips
     -Topping
        -1/2 cup of sugar
        -1 teaspoon of cinnamon
        -1 1/2 teaspoon of heavy cream

Ingredients

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

2. In a large bowl, mix the flour, sugar, cinnamon, and baking powder. Add the butter, and use a pastry cutter to incorporate the butter into the dry ingredients until it resembles coarse meal. Mix in the chocolate chips.

3. Stir together the cream, egg, and vanilla extract, then pour into the flour and butter mixture, mixing gently to combine.

4. Lightly flour a work surface, and turn the dough onto the surface. The dough will be very crumbly. Use your hands to press together the dough bits, and form into a large circle or rectangle, about 3/4 of a inch thick.

5. Mix together the topping ingredients in a small bowl, and sprinkle over the top of the dough. Lightly press in.

6. Cut the dough into wedges and transfer to a cookie sheet. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes, allow to cool completely. Devour with coffee and pajamas.

No Hotdogs for Den Mother

G.I. Joe's birthday is coming up, and I decided to gift him with baseball tickets to see the last game of the season. I figured it was a good present, since he loves baseball and I love hotdogs, soda, and yelling obnoxious things at people I don't know.

However, my body never told my brain that it planned to be sick. As such, I have been hacking and fishing green tissues out of my pockets. So I sent him off to the baseball game with some friends, because friends are more entertaining than a phlegm-filled Den Mother. As a result, I am spending the evening watching movies, painting my nails, and thinking of reasons why life is not fair.

And because I love you, readers, I decided to list the things that aren't fair.

1.  I went to the dentist today, like a good girl. They told me I have FOUR tiny cavities that need to be filled. Because I don't do enough things I hate in the name of my teeth.

2. No matter how much I vacuum and sweep, there is always dirt five minutes later. I have briefly considered not cleaning, then quickly succumbed to a panic attack.

3. Normal people can't afford these boots:

You know, because they have bills to pay and stuff. If you can afford them, we don't like you, and you can buy them here: http://www.net-a-porter.com

4. The world hasn't realized that everybody is entitled to my opinion.

5. Puppies are terribly cute, and it's very difficult NOT to adopt them. This is why we have three.

6. There will always be somebody who is prettier, smarter, or better at the thing you are best at.

7. There is only so many times you can blame the oven for an epic baking fail. 

8. The saddest movies are always on TV when you're home alone and overly emotional.

9. The people you went to high school with are fun to stalk online. And it's very addictive.

10. When you're in a bad mood, every bad driver comes out onto the road. Also, radio stations play terrible songs, and Wendy's runs out of chocolate Frosties.

Glad I could make your day.

Soup and Rain

I woke up yesterday morning feeling quite awful. G.I. Joe has bombarded me with medications ever since then, the most embarrassing of which is when I laid on the floor face down and screamed that I didn't want to take a throat lozenge. It also took me half an hour to drink a shot of Dyquil. Needless to say, my dignity is not intact anymore. It's hard to protest when you sound like Donald Duck.

The climax to this story is that we went to the store last night (G.I. Joe tried to make me stay home, but I am stubborn and not very bright) to get some sick rations. We made a beeline for the soup aisle and- horrors of horrors- they were completely out. No Campbells, no Progresso, nothing. We found the last little can of soup and snatched it up before the hyenas got to it. That, along with some Nyquil, was my diet last night.

Thankfully, fall was officially upon us today, and it was rainy and ugly. While this was ideal for being a bum, it doesn't help people who love summer, like me. And we only had three weeks of summer this year. I considered forcing my wrath upon the state, but instead decided to share all my favorite Washington summer pictures. Unfortunately, being that this is Washington, there aren't many good summer pictures.

I walk on this trail everyday. I like it because it's pretty. The dogs like it because there are BUNNIES!

But sometimes we get bored and desire mud and disgusting smells. So we make the five minute journey to this place; along the way, we have the pleasure of Divity losing control of all her bodily functions.

Huh. That picture looked much nicer when it was big. Look at all that gross stuff. The dogs love it. Go figure.

The beach is like dog crack. Also, I'm thinking of buying dog sunglasses because it would be hilarious.

 If I'm feeling like I really need to hate my life, I bring along our neighbor's dog. That's her about to tackle me.

Notice that the Nugget is not in any of these pictures. He doesn't like water, because anywhere we go he ends up practically drowning while the other dogs aren't even up to their ankles.

Thank goodness there is a nice little hiking trail right by the beach where he can go and collect ticks. I can't complain too much because Jordan and I showed up at just the right time for this.

Those are, in fact, raspberries. They were so pretty, we didn't want to eat them. Until I made raspberry oat bars.

This is Capitol Lake, in downtown Olympia. During the summer, people hang out here to smoke pot and have drum circles. Yeah, I don't know. But the grass is sure nice.

It was a whopping 85 degrees that day. Scorching.

But do not fear. My world is bigger than just Capitol Lake. Take this area, for example. It's right in between the small towns of "I think you missed that turn" and "Are you sure this is where we're supposed to go."

We go there to have shooting contests, play in the mud, destroy the axles on our trucks, and be classy. Observe:

Yeah. That's pure dignity.

One of the best parts about living in Washington is that we can make day trips to the Olympic Peninsula. Don't be fooled by the fact that these pictures were taken in the middle of July. It was beyond cold. I wore my galoshes.

I wore them to Ocean Shores...

...to go look at gigantic plants...

   

...and to go to Ruby Beach.

No, that picture wasn't taken during the winter. That was during the heat of the summer. Which is why galoshes are so important.

Galoshes definitely come in handy.

Don't let me turn you off of Washington. Bear in mind that I am from New Mexico, where rain is the most valuable thing around. Before G.I. Joe and I went to go visit family down south, they all begged us to bring the rain with us. We did, and the entire state ended up being under a flash flood warning. 

Go big or go home.