This next dish is frankly my crowning glory, and has been used many, many times as blackmail and bribes. It's been dubbed "Heart Attack On A Plate", and we only refer to it as such in our house. You'll soon see why. By the way, that name isn't patented. You can use it if you want to.
I learned to make biscuits and gravy when my husband and I first got married. Before then, I had never taken on quite an endeavor. This particular recipe has been messed around with quite a bit, and I tend to eye-ball a lot; hopefully I can give you some semblance of directions. At the very least, there are lots of pretty pictures, as well as some not-so-pretty ones.
(Note: My neighbor insisted on helping me make this batch. Some of the pictures leave a lot to be desired. Also, he found Christmas cookie cutters and so there is a mutated Christmas tree shaped biscuit.)
Everything here is made from scratch. I used to make biscuits from that little tube that pops open as you unwrap it, and sometimes they are still amazing. But these might just be life changing. The ingredients are pretty dang basic:
Please bear in mind that this is JUST for the biscuits. If these ingredients were for the entire everything (Really, Maggie? You have a college education and that's the best you could come up with? Shame on you), that would truly be disgusting.
I have digressed briefly to yell at myself. Excuse us. Let's begin.
Dump the dry ingredients all in together: flour, salt, baking powder, and baking soda. Mix it all up, then add in the Crisco. That's right, this recipe needs Crisco.
Frankly, butter just doesn't make biscuits nearly as flaky. Forgive me, for I have sinned. I need to go make a butter sacrifice.
Sorry about that. I think we can move on now.
Mash the Crisco into the dry ingredients with a pastry cutter, or your fingers. Get it to the level of coarse meal.
Now make like a toddler in a sandbox and dig a little hole in the middle. It doesn't have to be deep. Pour the buttermilk in and get mixing.
Mix and mix and mix. A wooden spoon probably wasn't the best for this. So shoot me, it was one of my very few clean kitchen utensils.
Get the buttermilk mixed in enough that you have a sticky dough. It shouldn't be perfectly smooth. If it is, you've been stirring too long and are clearly an overachiever and you can leave.
That looks about right. Turn it onto a floured surface and roll it out to about a 1/2 inch thick. Normally, this goes a lot faster, but my neighbor insisted that he was a professional at rolling out dough and wanted to use a rolling pin. I had to graciously explain to him that you don't hit the dough with the rolling pin. Now is the time to be gentle and loving.
Ugh. Look at all those finger marks. It's ok! We can make it better. Time to make shapes.
Those are not my hands, and it was also not my idea to try to make the maimed Christmas tree shaped biscuit. I just tend to use one of our glasses. They are the perfect size, and I spray the rim with a little Pam to avoid a potential sticking problem.
Line 'em up on a non-stick baking sheet. The biscuits should be barely touching, kind of like middle schoolers at their first dance.
Put the pan into an oven heated to 450 degrees. I know you're probably thinking, "Dang, that's hot! Girl, you crazy." or something similar, but just trust me on this. Set the timer to 17 minutes, and forget about them. We have more important things to worry about. And they involve BACON.
This picture makes my arteries curl with joy. Just bite the bullet and chop up a whole pound of bacon. Chuck it into a high sided pan, and fry over medium heat. In the meantime, you can work on the pork chops.
Here is your arsenal:
Those are kind of my go-to seasonings for, oh, just about anything. But seriously, I'm giving you room to be creative. Dump some flour on a plate and sprinkle your spices over it.
Whatever looks good to you is perfect; I like lots of seasoning. Mix it all up with a fork. Once it's mixed, take a pork chop and coat both sides.
I imagine you're shocked we are jumping right into this step. Shouldn't there be some eggs or milk or something else? No. It just makes everything messy and complicated and gross, and none of those sound good. So just cover the pork chop with the flour mixture and let it be.
Go ahead and heat some oil in a pan (this just keeps getting healthier) over medium heat. Put a pork chop on and let it fry for about 3-5 minutes on each side.
Welcome to your future triple bypass. I've found the pork chop cooks best if you don't mess with it. Instead of peeking under it a whole lot, just watch to see the browning along the edges. Once it's a nice, rich, beautiful brown, you're ready to flip it. Do this with all the chops.
Now! The bacon should have finished frying up. If it looks like what you would like for breakfast, it's ready to be gravy. Don't drain any of the fat, or else everything collapses and you might as well just throw your life out the window and crawl into a cave and never face daylight.
Sorry, that might be a bit much. But seriously, don't pour out any of the fat! This is truly what makes the recipe magical. Instead, sprinkle in the flour and stir it in.
So I'm a space cadet, and I didn't take pictures of this next part, which is really important. Go figure. Instead, I will have to weave a picture with my words. A thousand words, to be exact. Dang.
By now, the flour should have absorbed the bacon fat somewhat. It's time to use a whisk. Whhhisk. Whhhhhhisk. That's a nice word. And some milk. I like to use the leftover buttermilk from the biscuits, and then adding regular milk as I go. Even the term "buttermilk" is just so pleasing.
Start pouring in the milk, slowly. This part is SUPER important. It makes all the difference. Use a whisk to stir the milk in; it ensures there aren't going to be any gross lumps and makes the texture divine. Kind of like liquid silk made of saturated fat. Mmmmmmm...
Keep adding milk and flour, alternately. Make sure each portion is well stirred in, this helps "build-up" the gravy properly. After a few minutes, you'll get to this:
I would suggest finding your rolling pin from the biscuits and using it to fight off hungry Army guys. This is life or death, and you may not be left with any gravy.
Add some spices. I like Lowry's seasoning salt and pepper. That's it! And it taste delightful. Observe.
Stir that in real nice. Add more, if you feel like it. Turn the heat way down, and stir frequently until it's ready to serve. With your perfectly golden biscuits.
Notice the obnoxious Christmas-shaped blob one, front and center.
Now, G.I. Joe has kindly offered to demonstrate how to properly eat Heart Attack On A Plate. Actually, he didn't offer, I just invaded his space with my camera. I'm sparing you the horrifying look on his face for delaying his consumption of this dish.
Split up a biscuit, and break apart an additional biscuits on top of that. You can always use more than two. Eight is also a good number.
Now glop on some gravy. That's right, glop it on. As much as you want.
Finish off your masterpiece with some of those wonderful smelling pork chops.
Slice and dice and mush it all together and make a huge disaster and pig out. I couldn't get a picture of that part because my camera shutter doesn't work that fast. Just trust me on it.
This is worth your time. As soon as you learn to make it, you will have the upper hand with everything. Like I said, this can be a threat, bribe, or ultimate battering tool. Trust me on this, too. Kind of like the Crisco.
Biscuits and Gravy with Pork Chops (Divided into three parts)
Biscuits
Ingredients
-3 cups of all-purpose flour
- 4 tsp of baking powder
- 1 tsp of baking soda
-1 tsp of salt
-4 tbsp of Crisco
-1 cup of chilled buttermilk
Directions
1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
2. Mix the dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Add the Crisco and incorporate into the dry ingredients with a pastry cutter.
3. Make a well in the mixture, and pour in the buttermilk. Stir together until a sticky dough forms, and turn onto a lightly floured surface.
4. Gently roll out the dough to a 1/2 inch thick round. Using a glass or cookie cutters, cut out two inch rounds, gathering the scraps and rerolling until all the dough is formed into biscuits.
5. Arrange biscuit dough so that the rounds are lightly touching on a greased cookie sheet. Bake for 17 minutes, until golden brown. Serve warm.
Pork Chops
Ingredients
-1 pound of thin cut pork chops (boneless or bone-in are both fine)
-3/4 cup of all purpose flour
- Pinch each of salt, pepper, paprika, and cayenne pepper
- 2 tbsp of olive oil
Directions
1. Mix together flour and spices on a plate. Dredge each pork chop in the flour mixture, ensuring both sides are fully coated.
2. Heat olive oil over medium heat in a frying pan. Place pork chop into pan, and allow to brown on one side, 3-5 minutes. Flip and allow to brown other side, about 2 minutes.
3. Repeat with each pork chop and keep warm until served.
Gravy
Ingredients
-1 pound of thick cut bacon, chopped
-1/3 cup of all-purpose flour, more if needed
-2 cups of milk, more if needed (leftover buttermilk is fine)
-Choice of spices (Lowry's Seasoning Salt and black pepper work well)
Directions
1. Place bacon into high-sided skillet or Dutch oven. Allow to fry until moderately crispy and the fat has been released. Do not drain the fat off.
2. Sprinkle the flour onto the bacon, and stir in to allow the fat to absorb. Using a whisk, slowly stir in milk.
3.Turn the heat down to medium low and let the mixture reduce. Continue adding flour and milk until the gravy has been built up enough. Make sure it is not to thick. When the spoon is lifted up, it should drip from the spoon as opposed to falling off in a clump.
4. Season to taste and serve warm.
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